HOLY SEE – In a shocking press conference
Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI revealed to the
world that he will be stepping down from the
Catholic Church’s highest office. “Through prayer
and reflection over the past years,” the world’s
holiest man began, “I’ve realized that Allah is the
one true God.”
Amid clattering camera shutters and roaring
reporters, Pope Benedict patiently answered
questions, citing traditional Muslim folklore as
well as passages from the Qur’an to explain his
decision. His session was interrupted only once,
when he swiveled South-East to face Mecca,
stooped to the ground, and recited the Asr, one
of the five daily prayers central to Muslim belief.
The startling reversal comes as a shock to many
familiar with the Pope’s policies on Islam. “Show
me just what Muhammad brought that was new
and there you will find things only evil and
inhuman, such as his command to spread by the
sword the faith he preached,” the Bishop of the
Vatican famously said of Islam in his 2006 lecture
Faith, Reason and the University—Memories and
Reflections.
When asked about the quote, Pope Benedict
sighed with good-humored remorse and
chuckled quietly to himself: “Yeah I’ve regretted
that for some time. But I was young and naïve… I
see things much clearer now. Besides, I’ve
always kinda liked the thought of having a
sword. The Cardinals were a real pain on that
one.”
When asked whether he would be reverting to
his born name, Pope Benedict enthusiastically
interjected. “I’ve decided to change my name to
Sajjad Sayyid Ratzinger,” His Ex-Holiness
explained. “I’m keeping my surname purely for
logistical reasons, so my Facebook friends and
Twitter followers won’t be confused.”
His transition hasn’t been without opposition.
Hours after the press conference, a special Fox
and Friends segment aired on FOXNEWS,
featuring a picture of the Pope photoshopped to
include stereotypical Islāmic features, including:
a turban in place of his mitre, darkened
complexion, black hair, and Arabic letters
spelling out an endorsement of Barack Hussein
Obama tattooed across his chest. Beneath the
picture, the panel discussed the possible
involvement of Pope Benedict XVI, 85, in 9/11.
The segment’s title, “The Holy Heathen,”
emblazoned the lower left corner of the screen.
This morning, newspapers nationwide featured
an editorial by Bill O’Reilly detailing the parallels
between the Pope’s “betrayal of God-loving
Christians everywhere” with the “betrayal of the
American people and the Constitution by
Benedict Arnold, his liberal agenda, and his
radical left-wing entourage.”
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